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Come and take it
Help me bake it
Turkey’s hard
I can’t make it

Wife abhors me
Won’t cook for me
Lately she
Just ignores me

Teach me how
Show me now
I can’t bake food

Trump is god
I swear I sawed
With my two eyes
A voter fraud

Say you’ll try
To bake me pie
Plandemic is
A lefty lie

Give me retweets
Help me cook meats
I am lonely
Send pics of feet

Come and take it
Help me bake it
Happy Thanksgiving
From a huge shit

— Ted Cruz

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Challenging restraints intended to enhance sandwiches.

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Image by bluebudgie from Pixabay.

Thanks for responding to my signal on such short notice, kids. I want to start by saying how all of us at the police station, the mayor, everyone in the whole town, we’re all real proud of the work you’ve done capturing monsters and solving mysteries and stuff. You’ve had quite a streak. But that’s why I wanted to talk to you. With the five of you going around cracking cases, you’re making us cops look real bad out there. Please, for the love of God, will you crime-solving kids let us police officers solve a case? …

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Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

Sure, I miss going places and seeing my family and friends. I miss driving. I miss the unique sensation of being around strangers — a feeling I must have taken for granted all these years.

But what I miss most is Tuesday nights at Watami Sushi and Hibachi Restaurant on Route 43 next to Kasslowski’s Wicker Furniture Outlet with my wife and kids. Our weekly trips are ritual at this point.

We settle in to the usual table with Brian as our hibachi chef and get ready for the show. Brian’s a real card. …

1. Buy seven Gulfstream G650ER Jets ($66.5m x 7 = $465.5m) and ruin a minor league baseball game by having them have them fly over for 8 consecutive innings. ($53,000 per tank x 7 = $371,000) (total, $465.9m)

2. Buy the Minnesota Wild NHL Franchise (valued at $450m) and change their names to the Minnesota Mild ($0, may actually generate money on ironic merch sales!) (total, $450m)

3. Buy 200,000 horses (x $15,000 = $300m) and treat them to a meal of two hundred $5 dollar bills each (200,000 horses x $1,000 = $200m) (total, $500m)

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photo via:

4. Buy 50 Olympic-sized…

  • Apparently NOT in your own damn car
  • Apparently NOT your living room
  • Apparently NOT your backyard
  • Apparently NOT your front yard neither
  • Apparently NOT in the middle school during your damn kids flute recital
  • Apparently NOT in the vice principal’s (dick head) office at your kid’s middle school
  • Apparently NOT even in the high school parking lot
  • Apparently NOT at the baseball game (UNLESS YOU’RE A PLAYER?? (wtf?!))
  • Apparently NOT when you’re watching the baseball game at the Wild Wings Cafe because you got kicked out of the damn stadium
  • Apparently NOT in your wife’s car
  • Apparently NOT in your…

A story about 9/11

You know how when you were growing up, every time you walked into a house that wasn’t yours you’d be perplexed by its smell? Every house had a distinct smell that was entirely unique to that family and which was entirely unrecognizable and impossible to replicate? At some point it would become obvious to you that your house also just have had a smell but you couldn’t tell — you were so used to it you’d become immune to your family’s ambient smell.

September 11 sometimes feels like the opposite of that: an experience we all…

When the fireflies arrived in our new backyard a few weeks ago, I thought they were beautiful.

When I’d come home at night and see them lighting up in the trees, shrubs, and grass, I thought that, in a way, they were performing an intricate show for an audience of one: me.

When I’d find a firefly climbing around on the screen door, I thought “Aww, thanks but your home is outside,” and I’d flick the screen. Boy they’d go flying.

When I found a few fireflies inside my house, I thought “You’re still cute, but this is a little…

Thank you for changing my life in many thousands of profound ways, of which I am only aware of a fraction, surely. Thank you for the challenge and the opportunity of fatherhood; they are two halves of the same gift. Now where the heck are those stolen rubies I asked for as my father’s day present?

Anyone who’s spent like half an hour with me knows I can’t shut my yap about stolen rubies. I’ve never had any of my own, so when you, my darling daughter, saddled up to me on the sofa Tuesday, June 4th at approximately 6:10PM…

by Senator Ted Cruz

The Space Pirates are coming!

I’ve seen it in my dreams,

Their ships are made of space metals,

Their space cannonballs are laser beams.

They swashbuckle and dance about,

They’re as scary as they look.

Some of them wear eye patches,

Instead of hands, space hooks.

The climb the jib, they walk the plank,

Sing songs of battles and quests,

They swear, and spit, and drink space rum,

Sixteen spacemen on a dead spaceman’s chest.

They’ll pillage all our satellites,

Their hatred has no cure.

I think they come from the Space Caribbean,

Though we can not tell for sure.

The Space Pirates are coming!

They’ll come for me and you.

But if I’m being honest,

I wish I were a Space Pirate too!

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Joe Moore

Writer from New Jersey.

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